Let’s say that two old acquaintances—Lucas (32 years old) and Lucía (33)—meet by chance while waiting for their respective turns in a waiting room. They are sitting in different seats, but quite close, enough so that they can see each other and end up greeting each other: “Hello Lucas, how are you? Have you returned from London? I have already seen that you have been living there for a while.” To which Lucas responds something like: “How long! How are you? Yes, I moved away for a year for work, but I’m back. Are you still working at the clinic?” The conversation continues, although it does not extend much in time, they comment on some superfluous aspects of their recent life without giving more information than is strictly necessary. To finish, one of the two intones “well, let’s see if we can meet up,” a phrase that, rather than reflecting a real intention to see each other again soon, is a way of saying goodbye kindly.
Lucas and Lucía were very friends for several years. They met at university, shared a group of friends, hung out regularly and spoke daily. After graduating, they continued to keep that bond of friendship alive, but as the years went by, without any conflict involved, they gradually lost contact. Nowadays they follow each other on social networks, congratulate each other on their birthdays, and little else. They do not speak, but, nevertheless, they have the feeling that they know a lot about each other, that the relationship has not been lost. They are both active on networks and more or less follow each other’s steps. If you ask either of them what they consider the other to be, they would both say: friends. But can social networks sustain a friendship?
Currently, one in five people in Spain feels alone, as confirmed by a recent study promoted by the ONCE Foundation and the AXA Foundation. This data means that 20% of the Spanish population suffers from what is called unwanted loneliness. Curiously, in a world in which we live more connected than ever thanks to the digital environment, it is especially young adults—between 18 and 24 years old—who feel the greatest sense of loneliness. The seriousness of this situation is that in many cases it is becoming chronic over time, which directly influences the character and way of relating of the individual who suffers from it, who, in the long term, becomes more introverted. This study also shows that of the young adults who do not feel alone, 36.6% consider that they have gone through that situation. In this context, one might think that, in general, we are not here to lose friends and, however, this is a fact that occurs very regularly.
“Today, social networks have significantly transformed the way we relate and maintain contact with people. Through our profiles, we are exposed to the lives of people who may no longer be an active part of ours. This can give us the feeling that we are still close to them, although in practice the emotional connection and the bond of friendship have weakened,” explains Dr. Celia Incio del Río, psychologist specializing in social relationships, self-esteem and development, to EL PAÍS. staff.
This constant exposure to the lives of others does not replace emotional closeness, but even feeds feelings of loneliness and frustration. But not only can overexposure on these types of platforms be blamed for this palpable emotional void — especially in younger adults — it is also fair to point out that the conciliation between personal and professional life does not make it too easy when it comes to to rekindle friendship ties or avoid losing existing ones. In this sense, the psychologist and member of Top Doctors argues: “In adulthood, resuming a broken friendship becomes more difficult due to several factors. First, personal and professional responsibilities pile up, leaving little room to cultivate or revitalize friendships. Adult life tends to fragment the available time, and emotional energy is invested more in family, work and other obligations.” Secondly, he adds: “Many times we carry the feeling that if a relationship has weakened it is because, in some way, it no longer serves a purpose in our lives. This leads us to postpone efforts to rekindle a friendship, until, finally, that idea is relegated to phrases without real commitment.
Saying things like “let’s see if we can meet up” or “see you whenever you want” are clearly a symptom that a relationship is practically over. Many times that vague intention to renew ties only hides certain insecurities about whether the other person would be really receptive to the proposal. In a context in which many people feel alone in Spain, lacking emotional ties, it is common for lack of self-confidence to be a barrier to taking these types of initiatives.
These social distancing generally occur without any conflict or misunderstanding involved and occur rather due to the lack of common points in the emotional relationship that causes it to weaken. People evolve over time and it is their life experiences and the acquisition of new interests that transform their priorities, values or points of view.
Sometimes, in individuals with certain traits of egocentrism in their personality, there is an underlying thought that the responsibility of resuming a relationship should fall on the other person. The famous phrase “he who loves you, seeks you” has been repeated so frequently that, although its original application is associated with romantic relationships, many individuals have taken it to all types of relationships, even family relationships. This idea is opposed to what it truly means to keep a friendship alive, that is, to maintain a personal, pure and disinterested affection, as equals with another person with whom one shares an emotional responsibility.
What is the antidote to revive a friendship relationship?
If you have a real intention of recovering a friendship, it is essential not to let the responsibility of taking the first step fall on the other person. According to specialist doctor Incio del Río, “the key, if you really want to resume a friendship, is authenticity: put aside empty phrases and, instead, commit to honest conversations about what that relationship has meant and how we would like it to evolve in the future. Friendships, like any other type of relationship, take time and will. Although in adulthood the context is more complex, it is not impossible to recover those ties, but only if there is a genuine desire on both sides to rebuild the lost path.”